hello white woman who hates confrontation!
I am one of you.
I am not here to bully you or shame you.
I am not here to belittle or berate you.
I am here because we need you.
The world that is so full of chaos and change needs you. This is not to say you have not been trying.
This is a simple acknowledgement that we have had to unsee a lot of things that we really need to see. We were taught not to see. We were taught to put on lenses that distorted what was really there.
The reason we were taught this way is because we are crucial parts of the culture we live in. Traditional nurturers, we teach our children. That teaching mean we need to think and behave a certain way to ensure our children carry on the practices, behaviours and values that uphold our culture.
We collude with our culture because it make us belong. We belong when we are part of something, when we agree with those who have more clout than us.
We all know what it costs when we raise our heads and dare to challenge. Some of us have paid deeply for that.
Our compliance, our unseeing is baked into everything we do as women. It is part of the air we breathe.
Women who confront are seen as harsh, loud, harridans and unattractive. We are literally shamed out of having a voice in the face of harm by this disapproval.
This compliance, and the longing for belonging underneath it means, in part, that we react with deep alarm to confrontation.
Our systems respond to the idea of confronting anyone as if it is a threat, a threat we will be unable to address. It takes us into the realm of avoidance and silence or ‘shutdown’. It sets us up to believe we are risking too much, that we are helpless and that to avoid confrontation is the only option we have in order to still be a “good person”.
But it’s not our only option.
In fact it’s the worst option. If we want to be a good person; someone who leaves the world a better place, then we have to step out of this cycle of denying what we know to be true. This denial, this turning away from what we know to be true, from the confrontation we need to have in order to change is read as a defeat by our nervous system. We turn our back on ourselves and empower those who harm us when we don’t confront.
We have to build a new way of behaving.
Is it easy? No. Is it everyone’ cup of tea? NO. Is it easier if you are around others who are trying to change this? Yes. Is it something you can do and make mistakes at and survive. Yes.
If we see confrontation as an way to turn up in service of the world we want to see, then we can start to retrain ourselves to see confrontation as a pathway to justice, a tool to engage with peace, a way to undo the harm done and nurture our future.
Our collusion with harm making through our silence, through our lack of skill around confrontation can both be undone. Our willingness to learn how loving a “No” can be is a crucial doorway we can walk through.
Find a role model who can help you see how confrontation can be generous and beautiful.
Find a way to take yourself under your own protection and learn to confront harm. We need you and your willingness to confront. You will like it once you get used to it, I promise!